Hiatus?

So I'm not sure if I'm taking an official hiatus or not. Obviously writing has been the last thing on my mind lately since it's been nearly a month since I've gone to my blog and each of the posts immediately before that were few and far between. My idea was always to force myself to write regularly but as my job gets more involved, I have less inclination to take up time to write.

I'm just not going to force things right now. So, for my few regular readers out there, it may be a while. Or not...I may suddenly have the urge to record again. I just have to wait and see.

As it were, I'm sitting at my little desk in the production offices of San Diego Opera on my third week of prep before we start a jam-packed season. We jump in with both feet right off the bat with a new production of Wagner's "Tannhauser," then move directly into four more operas with absolutely zero breathing time. Everyone I've talked to who's done this season says it's a crazy maelstrom every time. We'll see how I fare in terms of time for outside projects. I'm not hopeful right now.

As far as after that all ends, my summer is up in the air. I'm thinking of taking a trip to Italy to do a language immersion program, or going to Upstate New York to study up on Edna St. Vincent Millay a little more, or perhaps going to England/Scotland just for the hell of it. We'll see what pans out. I feel strongly that if I take the summer off from working on a show or at a festival then I need to be improving my skills that will help me be the best director I can be. Maybe a summer of me is really what I need.

I just got off of an airplane taking me back to San Diego from visiting my parents in Missouri for the holidays. It's the last time I'll have to fly until next May/June-ish. I'm hoping that my nerves will right themselves as I remove the travel-factor from my life for a while.

I feel out of order still and am hoping for some repairs. I'll keep you posted.

Someday...

Rainy Travel

Writing has not been my strong point while working at the Dallas Opera. This particular show kicked me in the butt harder than I've been kicked in quite some time. I came here thinking that this show would be a bit of a breeze and I would get all sorts of stuff done in the meantime. Truly not so...I've been playing catch-up since we opened and now I'm sitting at DFW, waiting for a delayed flight (no explanation...just delayed), and thinking about the fact that I have to go into work tomorrow to a brand new job and I feel totally and utterly unprepared (I'm sure that's not the case...but I'm a preplanner. I get sick if I'm not 15 minutes early and if the check's not in the mail a week before the due date).

The good thing is that I'm going home and if this plane isn't delayed further I'll actually be home early enough today to get my ducks in a row before making my first entrance at San Diego Opera tomorrow. We start prep for a stint of five operas in a row. I need to feel confident with all five scores before the first rehearsal because once we start it's like a downhill soapbox race: there's no stopping us until we hit the hay bales at the bottom.

Despite any stresses I've experienced in Dallas, we had a very good closing last night. Quite a few pranks and loose ad-libbing, but my director seemed pleased as punch that the cast was relaxed enough with each other to dive into the unknown in such a way on stage. I never watch final performances because I know what happensk when there's no recourse. I was a performer for years and did my share of onstage pranks...was also the butt of many jokes as well. I've been part and parcel to many a "let's see if we can make so-and-so bust up in the middle of this really serious scene" schemes and I've added a little something-something to quite a few closing nights. One of my favorites was my Junior year of high school. I was a dancer in "Hello Dolly" and our little group of dancing waitresses chose to wear racy garter belts underneath our circle skirts. We gave all of the geeky band boys in the pit quite a show.

Of course I wrestle with how much to frown upon now that I'm in a position of authority. I try to keep a straight face and discourage bad behavior, but the performer inside knows how hard it is to keep enthusiasm and wish I could be out there too, yucking it up.

Boarding soon. Maybe someday I'll get back to regular writing.

Detour

So here I am in Dallas, putting up an operetta that has proved to be a scheduling nightmare. We're done with the show (in a week mind you). Everything is blocked, the dancers are here and fitting themselves in beautifully. They actually flew in from Los Angeles the other night, walked in the door straight from the airport, suited up in their off-the-shoulder sweatshirts, legwarmers and flexible dance sneakers, and ran through this show they hadn't done in months with nary a flaw in their unison. Muscle memory is an amazing thing.

Our singers are all thinkers. They are analyzing their dialogue, asking for changes where things don't make sense, discussing character and audience comprehensibility. Our chorus has learned all of their movements, reactions and moments in three rehearsals. For all intents and purposes, this whirlwind rehearsal period has been pretty successful.

But for me in this moment, it all comes back to making this schedule every day, which has pitfalls and snafus in it that literally make me want to bang my head against the desk. I'm having flashbacks to when I first tried to learn long division. Ask my mother about that joyous experience. I'm not the only one feeling this pressure but it's getting to me all the same. It must be getting to me. I've visited the E.R. three times in the past week with heart palpatations, massively high blood pressure and dizziness/numbness/shortness-of-breath. The doctors at the E.R. (who I've gotten to know well mind you) all think it's major anxiety. I think they're probably right but it's hard for me to accept because I've always seen myself as someone who handles stress well. I've always been the unflappable one; the one who takes everything in stride and then gets things done as needed.

The more I think about it though, the more I realize that my way of working has allowed all of this stress to fill my coffer until it's truly overflowing. My job is to listen to and absorb other people's stress and problems and I think I've finally hit my limit. I've spent the last few rehearsals fighting with an irregular heart beat and an inability to get a deep breath and I think, "geez! What the hell is going on," but if I look back at every confidence I take, every problem I solve, every argument and disagreement I'm privy to, well....I guess it makes sense that my body would finally tell me to stop listening. This is my 7th show in a row and none of them in my home.

So enough about that. I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow with an actual appointment and hopefully I can figure out how to manage this in the few weeks I have left of traveling, living in a hotel room by myself, working on a show at my makeshift desk/kitchen table while watching bad television and eating take-out.

This life. This life gives me amazing experiences. Amazing. But I think there's only so much a psyche can take before it needs to regroup, refuel, rejuvenate.

Death By Scheduling

Death by Diva? ...Not yet...

Singers haven't arrived yet, but that's the season t-shirt for Dallas Opera. Seems an appropriate way to start my work here. I spent 10 hours at my new opera home today. A small portion was spent taking a tour of the large facilities; a small portion was spent eating lunch with the production team of which I am now a member; a small portion was spent tabbing out my score and matching page numbers to my scene breakdown.

An abnormally large part of my day was spent hunched over the schedule with my stage manager trying to reconcile what our director wants with singer releases with hour restrictions with conflicts that singers have who are singing in more than one show this season...it doesn't stop. Scheduling is difficult in any opera company. Time restrictions make it hard to get everything in and well-worked by the time we move to stage, and in a show this size with this many people to organize it becomes a literal headache of the highest order.

I stumbled from the rehearsal hall today with my eyes bugging out and my head spinning. All I wanted to do was come home and eat some frozen yogurt, put on my fleece pajamas and watch something ridiculous on television.

Every time I start a new job I get hit with new challenges that threaten to topple me. I think so many times the biggest issues happen before the rehearsals even start. And every time I knock myself out fixing problems and figuring things out only to emerge on the other side realizing I've survived and I'm capable.

John always jokes about my job, calling me "A.D. Girl." (as in..."I'm A.D. Girl, come to save the show!" Arms akimbo, post-it cape blowing behind me, armed with a highlighter and a mag lite...). But you know what, I am good at what I do. Days like this make me have confidence in my abilities to problem solve and get a show up and running. I'm up for any bomb you can drop and yes, that's a challenge.

Do. Your. Worst.

Last Night in the City

I started this blog to give insight into this strange, disjointed life that I lead. This world of crazy career, far-away home, coming together and falling apart. Keeping this up is harder than I thought it would be. Partially because there are so many things I want to talk about that aren't always appropriate in a public forum (memoirs someday...when I don't care anymore) and partially because when the most interesting things are happening I become too busy to sit down and write.

We opened Agrippina today. I wasn't sure how to react, as usual, to the end of my work. I loved watching everyone on stage. I got to bow, which is always an exhilirating experience, and I have a great time when I can dress up and mingle. On the other hand, I felt like my foot was partially out the door. I stood around after the curtain fell and watched everyone bustling around. For them this is the beginning of a run and so their priorities in the moment are different. I had a friend tell me I looked sad which was really not the case at all. I was more....well....I think I had already moved on. It's the only way I know how to survive these frequent transitions. To survive living out of a suitcase and leaving people I care about every few weeks.

Because I haven't written in a while and I have to pack now, I'm leaving you with a journal entry from the summer. I wrote this sometime in late July or early August. I don't know why it seems appropriate right now, but I think it reflects my feelings about life and the way I am living it.

I've got major goals right now. For the first time in my life I'm feeling like my future (or the one I want) makes sense. But I think we never stop searching for the meaning behind it all...

I went to the grocery this evening and as I walked back into my kitchen I had this sudden feeling of claustrophobia and panic. I had to get out. I dropped my bag and purse on the counter and jumped onto my roommate’s bicycle, sliding out of my flip-flops, wide-legged jeans flapping against the chain, ballcap pulled low.

I rode around the block and down a side street, over a creek I spent hours peering into on a late, thundery afternoon and into the glassy, gravely driveway of an abandoned factory I’ve been drawn to lately. There was an eerie quiet there. A tree rustled greenly against an old propane tank. A bird flew through the broken panes of glass to a hidden roost in the depths of the decimated building.

I was tempted to ride all the way into the back of the grounds but looked at the falling sun and felt that female twang of fear that comes from being alone and unprotected. That missing father syndrome that women fall prey too when their entire childhood is predicated by an understanding of their comparable weakness.

I peeled out of the loose stone and cigarette butts to ride back up the hill, calves squeezing out every last pinch of oxygen as I passed the boarded up bowling alley, the shingle-free dive with the fish-fry sign flapping about over the front door, and a green house that always has the strains of a sad country song creating a desolate wrinkle in the surrounding airspace.

As I passed the firehouse, origin of a strange, wailing horn Richard and I’d heard several times over the past couple of weeks (turns out it was a call to volunteer firemen throughout the area), I looked up and saw a flock of large birds flying towards me. Hawks. Beautiful brown hawks with majestic, pointed heads and large beaks, riding the wind space over my head. One flew so low I could hear the air compressing downward in a rush of swept-up sound as he flapped his impressive wingspan.

I counted seventeen as I stood over the catch bar of Richard’s bicycle. None making a sound but for the fwoosh of the wings as they picked up speed. The last one to pass was riding on the tailwind of his neighbor as one of his wings was broken, laying at an odd angle when it was fully spread from his back.

I burst into tears. There was something so amazing, so unprecedented about this flock of majesty flying over my head. I didn’t know how to react but to feel the breeze of their flight on my cheeks and let the tears of intense beauty roll down my face and drip off the end of my nose.

It’s those moments that life dawns on you that bring about a yearned-for perspective that sometimes seems just out of reach.

Tension Personified (That's Me)

Some shows take more effort to get to stage than others. It could be that the action is more detailed or the sets are problematic to move through or the music gives the singers substantial issue. Sometimes the reasons behind the extra stress and effort are harder to pin down even though everyone involved knows they exist.

"Agrippina" is a complicated show in the fact that it's a baroque comedy. Comedy is detailed and nuanced and tremendously hard to get perfect, and Baroque opera is known for its difficult coloratura and (in the case of this opera) its massive, endless recitative.

We have a piano dress rehearsal tomorrow and in some ways it seems too soon and in other ways we already seem long in the tooth. I don't really know which end is up right now. My reasons for not writing stem from this...

I love my job. Dearly. I am in constant awe of what I get to do for a living. I am also very proud of the group of people I'm working with. I think they've put together a very good product and are working hard to get it up and running. I think it will be a tremendous show.

At this point, however, I think I'm just ready to go home.

Much, much more after we open and I am back in California...

Nothing's Gonna Change My World...

Day off today. I usually look forward to days off but John left this morning after five lovely days together in the city.

I spent the morning doing laundry and then had to get out of the house. The loneliness is strongest immediately after one of us has left.

Saw "Across the Universe" at Lincoln Square. Seemed like a good diversion. I had a really bad taste in my mouth about this movie when I first started seeing the trailers, but I have to say that I enjoyed the experience. My biggest issue with Julie Taymor - and I feel this way about her movies and operas (see myreview of "Grendel" at LA Opera) - is that she has a flawless design sense but she consistently falls short on story. If she never set up a narrative to begin with, I wouldn't care so much when these left-field moments show up half way through the film.

The film is beautiful with some great imagery. I tried to let it wash over me with no expectation and on that level it made for a great afternoon. When I started trying to follow the story too hard I started to get frustrated. The character of Prudence kept appearing and dissappearing, there was an obligatory puppet moment mid-stream that was apropos of nothing, and Bono showed up for a ridiculous moment of psychadelia. But, as I said, there were some moments of pure visual genius.

I'm three weeks away from this opera opening. The hard part of directing this piece is thinking about it before I walk into rehearsals. I've truly enjoyed the rehearsal process. I think perhaps the harder part will be scooting over into the assistant's chair in two days. I'm a very good assistant, but I've started this momentum and I'm worried that my inertia as we make the turn may knock me pretty hard against the wall.

The positive in all of this is that, not only do I love, love, love this opera, but I know that I can stand up and do this. I feel ready to do my own thing.

Boy isn't it all about confidence.

Not Dead Just Working

I've been in New York City for 7 days. That's why I haven't written in what seems like an eternity.

I'm in charge on this production until the 27th. I've put up half the opera in 5 days and am looking forward to slapping the rest of it up before next Thursday. This business works at such a rapid rate.

I'm in love with this opera, so that helps push aside any stress I feel from being the go-to-guy throughout the bulk of the rehearsal process. "Agrippina" is deliciously funny and evil with some of the most gorgeous music Handel ever wrote. We have a lively cast, full of laughter and ideas in rehearsals and ready to jump into any ocean I present to them. That's a lucky fact....and not always normal.

The pic is of me after my first day at City Opera. No rehearsals that day, only a big presentation about the opera, but it felt amazing to kick it all off on the right foot. Now it's just details.

A WHOLE LOT of details.

But still. My director comes in next Thursday and I hand the whole kit and kaboodle over to her. I'll have more time to write then. If I could handle getting the whole thing off the ground myself, I can easily handle being the copilot on the landing.

4 by 4 in 48

These last two weeks have been totally overwhelming with planning for "Agrippina" which is coming so fast and furious I sometimes feel like Indiana Jones running like a madmen in front of that giant stone ball...

Part of the problem is my intense lack of concentration that stems from the first week being so incredibly hot that I couldn't do anything but sit on my couch in front of a fan wearing a t-shirt I'd just removed from the freezer, and the fact that I only get to see my husband for fourteen days and I'm trying to soak up all the home I can before I head to the airport yet again.

To add to all of this, I agreed to perform in a little series that Sushi puts on every second Tuesday of the month called 4x4.

The performance takes place at 8pm at Bluefoot Bar in North Park (corner of Upas and 30th if anyone's interested) this coming Tuesday. A 4'x4' stage is set up in the middle of the bar and ten performers get up in succession and do their thing. We have ten minutes a piece to do whatever we want. Some people talk, some people dance. I'm doing a little of both in a piece I literally threw together called "36,000 Feet." It's about traveling for work. Big surprise.

They say you should always write about what you know...

The cool thing about this performance is that the stage is so small. I have no problem rehearsing in my dining room as the photograph proves. The bad thing is that I decided to do it last minute when I was so blasted busy, but maybe that's good because I won't overthink the piece. We'll see what comes out when I'm finally there and in front of all of those sweaty, intoxicated people.

Otherwise, not much to report. I'm just plugging along, trying not to get run over by stone balls and hoping that everything at City Opera is copacetic. My mantra right now is "October 15th, October 15th, October 15th..."

Opera and Baseball

Opera first. Brian Thorsett and Katie Calcamuggio had their recitals at the Otesaga Hotel yesterday afternoon. These were the two young singers for whom I staged a Britten Canticle. I felt more involved in this rectial than I did for the others because I had such a stake in the staging and presentation. It was kind of fabulous to be so entrenched.

The recitals went very well. I sat in one of the deep, bright windowsills along the back wall and continued to wipe my palms on my pants as they became sweaty through the hour and a half of music. As always, I felt like a mother hen watching and crossing my fingers that everything went well. I was so proud of them at the end. They had a lovely reception with hoots and hollers and an endless receiving line of hugs, photos and cheering outside of the hall - very well deserved. Brian tried to get me to come up and bow with them and I just didn't feel right. I blew them kisses from the back of the house - my contribution seemed small and I was more than happy to give them that moment. My need for fame and recognition has dissipated as I've gotten older. I think it's when it's not even offered that I become sore about it.

The recital was the last big moment I have here. From now until Wednesday it's only two more shows. One has a chorus member missing but we've solved most of the problems surrounding that and so I think it will be minimal maneuvering to make it all work.

Home is looming large and lovely.

Now baseball. Earlier in the day I finally succumbed to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. I've been here two summers and never gone and I'm actually really glad that my roommate suggested it. I forget how much baseball figures into every Midwestern American life. I knew more names than I thought, was fascinated by the history and had many flashbacks of my brother's Little League games, Jim Eisenreich signing baseballs at the Royals field, beer and hotdogs at Wrigley Field and spending an entire summer in Aspen watching Braves games with my bunhead roommate, Maggie.

Particularly fascinating were the Negro League exhibit, the Women in Baseball exhibit and the little pass-through room on Babe Ruth, who is so mythic at this point that he exists for many of the younger generations as a Paul Bunyan-esque creature. And I think that was what was so fascinating about the museum itself. Baseball persists because it is entrenched in myth and "whopper" stories that kids still hear and tell. Whether fans or not, most people have heard of Shoeless Joe, Babe Ruth, Lou Gherig and so many others. Not many other American sports have that kind of cultural spread.

A worthwhile morning.

Professional Eyeball

That's what I am right now, an observer. All of my practical work is done. I've gone through all of my final rehearsals, given my last notes, done my last brush-up.

Tonight I will put on a suit, get a ride to the new Cherry Valley High School, and sit in the auditorium to watch the short and sweet Scenes Program with bits and pieces from the current operas, next years operas and some recital superlatives.

Thursday afternoon I will put on a suit, get a ride to the Otesaga Hotel, and watch Brian and Katie give their recitals. I coached Brian and staged a piece for Katie and Brian together - Britten's Canticle #2, a gorgeous narrative of Abraham and Isaac's journey to the sacrafice. The picture is of my two singers working musically through the piece at Grace Episcopal Church in Cherry Valley. All of our rehearsals sat early in the process, so my work is done. It's all about the two of them and Leesa, their pianist, now.

After that I have a Saturday night "Orphee" to watch and a closing matinee the following Tuesday. I won't watch the last show. I never do. I sit backstage and watch the action behind the scenes. I like to watch it wrap up from the inside.

The good part of being finished with my practical work is that I have time to work on other upcoming projects. I feel like I've put a lot of things aside while working on scenes and recitals. Finally I can take a week to catch up and prepare myself for the deluge ahead.

Out of Context

I rehearsed scenes today for a program that the Young Artists do to wrap up the summer. All of the staff directors get a little chunk of scenes to direct in a madcap amount of time and then they are placed on a spare stage as a veritable smorgasbord of operatic morsels. The program we're doing this summer contains scenes from the operas we're doing this season, scenes from the operas Glimmerglass is doing next season, and a few things thrown into the mix for good measure.

The interesting thing about scenes programs is that each scene is presented as its own little mini-narrative. Very rarely is there a through-line between scenes and if there is it's generally contrived at best. Like monologues in an audition process, scenes can be presented in two ways. The first is to do it very true-to-form, taking for granted that the audience knows the opera from which the scene has emerged and will understand what's come before and what will come after. The second way is to come into the scene understanding the opera and characters in full but seeing the scene itself as its own little whole. In other words, giving the scene its own distinct beginning, middle and end so that it easily stands on its own regardless of backstory or looming foreshadow.

I much prefer the latter version of scene work because I think it allows me and the singers more creative freedom as we try to figure out these character's motivations in their own private scene hell (appropriate because I'm working only on chunks of Orpheus operas). For example, the scene I'm doing with my Gluck/Berlioz covers is a duet between Orpheus and Eurydice immediately before he looks at her and she drops dead a second time. The duet begins with him urging her to follow him and ends with her screaming one last murderous epitaph in his direction. We are given no set-up or backstory. If we didn't already know the story we would have no idea that they were clamoring out of the Underworld and that he couldn't look at her. We are also not graced with a typical ending to anything Orpheus-related. For all intents and purposes, Eurydice leaves and Orpheus never gets the chance to turn around and kill her.

So I've used this in our retelling of this scene from the opera. I've kept the staging nearly the same but given them intent to play from. When you look at the text of this duet, this could be any horrid middle-of-the-night argument between lovers. He's woken her up from a deep sleep in some sort of distress, she wants to know what the problem is, he refuses to tell her, she blows her top and eventually leaves. We can all see and understand these motivations and in that my two singers can create a complete story out of a truncated tidbit of a larger work.

I actually kind of like the exercise of pulling these pieces out of their construct. It forces you to see the timelessness of the words and the full story inside each beat of the opera.

My second duet is a love duet between Orpheus and Eurydice from Haydn's "L'Anima Del Filosofo." This piece is being performed this season but in a concert version so there are no preconceived notions of staging. I had a lot of trouble with this piece when I first began to look at it because, while it is a lovely duet, it's ten minutes of "I love you, you're my treasure, oh darling we shall never be separated," and I started my work on this at a complete loss as to how to make it interesting as a stand-alone.

The answer, as is so often the case, was in the question (I hope). I've pulled the piece apart for these two singers and given it meaning beyond its operatic storyline. We've messed with time a little, played with the notion of love beyond death, and given a physicality to the music that portrays a story far beyond the lyrics (apropos to but not dependent on the Orpheus myth as well). We worked for two hours today on this 10-minute piece and I think we've got something juicy enough to play. It was wonderful to allow two singers to discover work and worth inside a piece that, generally, is all about two people simply staring into each other's eyes.

For all of my frustrations and sometimes hatred towards the freelance gypsy lifestyle that I lead, I love my job.

Don't get me wrong...I'm terrified of my job. I throw myself into huge nervous frenzies about getting my point across, crossing over into the land of the trite and presenting something that is truly, truly worth seeing, but I think that's okay. It's part of adoring the art form that means I always want to do it justice with my contribution.

It's accepting that My output won't always be aces that proves to be the most difficult thing. It's all learning: the triumphs and the failures. You have to learn to love both.

Coach

I'm coaching recitals right now.

Not exactly what I thought I was going to be doing with my extra time here, but rewarding all on its own.

From talking to other singers, it's apparently not common practice to have an acting coach for recital work, but I think it's invaluable. The change I've seen in the singers as they step up to the plate (oy...Cooperstown for too long....everything's a damn baseball reference) has been tremendous. Recitals aren't staged; there are no costumes, no sets, only a piano and about ten feet in between the singer and the first row of audience. This doesn't mean, however, that the storytelling should be anything less.

That's where I've been coming in.

It's been fascinating to go through all of these art songs that my young artists have chosen. They aren't pieces of music that I usually think much about so it's been good for me to break down the text of what mostly consists of pastoral poetry and sea shanties. The story's still there, though, if only in the atmosphere that the singer creates for the room.

My advice and direction has run the gamut from telling a singer that it's okay to use their hands to asking who the poet is speaking to, to breaking down beats and focus changes to explaining the myth of the nightingale and how that can inform the emotional quality of a song that includes it.

Every young artist at Glimmerglass Opera gets a 45 minute recital all to themselves. This is an unusual opportunity in a young artist's program and has created some very nervous singers since they've also been told they have to introduce their songs to their audience. Some have written memorized introductions for each set and some seem to be winging it, but I haven't seen one singer falter yet. They've been pretty solid and I sit in the audience and feel completely maternal when the singers I've coached stand up and begin their program. My palms get sweaty, I mouth along with the words. I'm a total stage mom.

I'm like this in the audience during a mainstage show as well, but the house is usually dark then and after opening I calm down. Recitalists get one chance, and so I am overtly anxious. Silly perhaps, but I watched them work and grow, and it's my advice they're taking or ignoring.

Today I'm procrastinating terribly. I need to get a projected schedule for NYCO out and I'm having scheduler's block. I have no idea how fast my singers will work and no idea how fast I will be able to work to put up the material effectively. All I can do is put something on paper and hope that everyone knows how changeable it is... Directing isn't all glamour and fun.

Endless Possibilities

We opened. I know I mentioned this in the last post, but it's such a great feeling. Read a really nice review of our little show here. Lillian and I enjoyed champagne on the lawn in the middle of the afternoon. It was a matinee opening, which I find a little strange. The only other place I've ever opened a show in the afternoon was at NYCO, and I found that a little weird as well. Opening nights should be exactly that. . . nights. As exciting as it was to get the Gluck open, there was something a little anticlimactic about opening the show as the sun leaked through the windows and under the doors. This is not to mention the fact that Offenbach's "Orpheus in the Underworld," which had many of our chorus members in it (including Juliet Petrus, the young artist who went on in place of a sick Jill Gardner as the leading role), opened the night before. Our chorus was tired but still riding on the adrenalin of a great season opener, so they rallied to put on a beautiful show.

I understand the reasoning behind an evening opener followed by a matinee opener the next day. Cooperstown is a little weekender resort town for people from the city. Tickets sales are much stronger when people can take in two shows over the weekend and still be back in the city by Sunday night. It's always lovely to drive into the theater lot and see tons of couples and families having picnics on the lawn. Sometimes it makes me wish I was only an audience member.

A word about Juliet Petrus. She went on at the last minute as Eurydice in "Orpheus in the Underworld." She was pulled out of a Monteverdi rehearsal at noon to go into emergency rehearsals and wig/costume fittings. Her advantage was that she'd done the role before, though not in this translation. But she knew the music and understood the intent. This is the reason that good covers are so important. Covers going on in place of principals is certainly not the norm, but it's not completely unusual. It's a wonderful opportunity for the young singer who jumps in to save the day, but is not all fun and games. I can't imagine the nerves that took hold as she left her rehearsal that afternoon and started cramming for a test (a sweaty, critic-filled, completely public test). It's the potential big break that everyone wants to be extremely prepared for but no one really wants.

I wasn't going to go to the opening since I'd seen the final dress, but as soon as I heard the news about Juliet I wanted to be there to support her. It was great to be in an opening night audience as it was...and the whole company came out to cheer her on to get her through her nerves. She looked terrific. I was so proud of her. She's not the first young singer I've seen go on as a cover for an opening (Ellie Dehn jumping in as the Countess in "Figaro" at Opera Pacific comes to mind), but the nerves and possibility is always overwhelming and puts me in a very maternal place about the singers I work with every day.


Speaking of covers, I had my own cover run for the Gluck/Berlioz on Monday. I was a nervous wreck for them (and myself, having staged them into the piece in a relatively short amount of time), and tried to steel myself by taking a few moments of silence and breath. It was my last bit of business besides minding the show for about a month. They (my covers) were spectacular. Katie Calcamuggio, my Orpheus cover, stopped the show after her bravura aria, "Amour Viens." People were screaming and stomping and I imagined her shaking behind the upstage wall the same way I was shaking and tearing up in the corner of the audience. I was living vicariously. I woke up on Tuesday morning and looked at my calendar, realizing the endless possibilites that lay before me. My husband is coming in next week, there are so many things I want to see and I have the time to actually finish books I've been reading, work on projects I've set aside and perhaps even be a little domestic. It's rare to look ahead to nothing. I think it almost makes me more uptight because I start trying to cram in too much.



So, for the time being I'm trying to take each day as it comes, trying not to push too much into each day, and trying to take in the country and experiences around me. For instance, I went and saw the midnight premiere of "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" in Oneonta with a bunch of Glimmerglass-ites last night. It was packed and full of sweaty, noisy teenagers shoving in popcorn and junior mints, and I had a fabulous time. This morning I woke up without an alarm, listened to a spectaular lecture by Arun Ghandi on NPR about his grandfather's teachings, did a little housework and drove to the theater to pick up the scenes I'm doing next month. On the way I saw the little gal above, chomping away at the grass in that field. I took the time to stop and watch her, say hello when she lifted her head.

I have two more glorious days like this before our next show.

Box o' Music

I picked up, literally, a box of scores the other day from San Diego Opera. A whole season's worth of music from "Aida" to "Tannhäuser." It was interesting to see them all kind of dumped in a box - heavy and a bit ungainly - as I lugged it out to my car and thought about when I was actually going to start working on these.

Right now I'm working on "Agrippina," the opera I'm staging for Lillian Groag at City Opera in September. I know this piece like the back of my hand but the set I've worked on is different than the set for New York, and so it takes more preparation than if I was walking into the exact same scenario. Most of the concept is the same, but entrances and exits have switched around and there are some gags, etc. that can't be executed with this scenery. It's a slow process of comparison, but I am armed with paperwork and video galore, so it will eventually come together.

Gluck's "Orphée," which I'm actually beginning sooner than the rest of these operas, is the easiest to prepare because it's never been done before. I've done as much on this score as I can at this juncture. I have a relatively detailed scene breakdown, I've highlighted all of the text, I've listened to the opera 4000 times and I've put together a preliminary schedule. Everything else will have to wait until I'm in rehearsals next week. I leave for Cooperstown on Sunday.

There are so many other things I'd like to work on right now, but my opera preparation seems to dominate my time. I have, of course, become somewhat obsessed with Flickr, so that's taken up the rest of my free time, and in the middle we have quality time with John and the cats.

Sunday morning is a backwards dive off of the high dive into a pool I've never seen before. I love that moment and it scares the crap out of me every time. All I can assume is that the pool has water, though I have no idea how deep or what temperature.

If...

Opera America started last night. Opera companies from all over the world send representatives to the convention to talk about issues in all aspects of their field. I've never been to one of the conventions before but this year it happened to be taking place in Miami, so I'm taking full advantage. Thus far it's been interesting to meet people, see old bosses and friends, and listen in on what everyone thinks and feels about the advancement of opera as an American art form.

I've got more thoughts on that...mainly brought up by opening speeches by Osvaldo Golijov (brilliant Argentinian composer) and Dana Gioia (of the sad, struggling NEA), but my thoughts aren't fully formulated. As the weekend continues things will start to gel. After a rambling conversation with my husband this afternoon I'm realizing that I have an awful lot to say.

This post is a lesson on following the path as it presents itself...a more personal reflection on the influences that help us end up where we are/where we needed to be all along.

At one time I actually planned on going into Performing Arts Administration. I've always been interested in the administrative side, but my performing always came first. My favorite class in college was the one that taught us how to market ourselves, send out press releases, rally audience support and fundraiser. When I was the Associate Artistic Director for a small dance company in Chicago, I loved attending the board meetings, the strategic planning and putting together fundraising events. I always figured it would be my fallback.

So much so, in fact, that when my performing career started to struggle a bit, I nearly walked away from it to pursue an administrative career. It was the spring of 2000. I graduated from college two years earlier and had been freelancing with not much luck. I'd had a couple of gigs here and there but was starting to get massively frustrated with the audition process. Three times in a row I'd gotten down to the final three and then been sent on my merry way at the end of the evening. I was really questioning my future as a performer. I started looking at universities with Arts Administration degrees and was studying for my GRE. I'd settled on first choices at Goucher College and American University. I was serious about this.

In class at the Dance Center of Columbia College one day, I noticed a posting for a dance audition for the opera "Akhnaten" at Chicago Opera Theater. It fit in my schedule and, though I had really nearly given up on the prospect of doing a professional gig every again, I thought "Why not?" I had started to look at auditions as free class. How sad.

As I was dressing for the audition that morning, I made myself a pact. I told myself if I didn't get this job, then I would send my graduate applications out the next morning and make a final, clean break from this performing career that had left me so frustrated.

The audition was fun, full of friends, and I was so happy with myself for having an alternative plan that I'm sure I was dancing with more confidence than usual when being judged. We finished our last pass across the floor of heel-first pique turns, clapped for Daniel Pelzig, the choreographer who ran a great class, and I grabbed my stuff and trotted down the stairs, pleased with finally feeling like I had some purpose.

The artistic administrator of Chicago Opera Theater came running after me. "Miss Stickann, wait!" I turned at the bottom of the stairs. I thought I'd forgotten to hand him my head shot.

"Miss Stickann, Mr. Pelzig, the choreographer, would like to speak with you."

I walked carefully back up the stairs. The hairs on the back of my neck were standing up. I remember feeling less exulted at that moment and more scared. I felt like I was in trouble even though I knew that was an absurd reaction. Danny was sitting on the floor changing out of his dance sneakers. I sat down next to him on the edge of the raised dance floor and he proceeded to tell me he was in need of a dance captain and wondered if I would be interested.

It's funny how good news can sometimes seem bad or strange when thrown at you without warning. I started to question myself. I was so prepared to send in my applications that I hadn't even considered getting this job. He was looking at me with a raised eyebrow. I think my mouth was hanging open.

I said yes and it changed my life.

Not only did this man's question ultimately give me a five-year successful performing career that took me to San Diego where I met my husband while performing, and gave me my New York debut, but it also opened up my career in opera where I am currently learning and growing on an hourly basis. I am so priveleged to call Danny a friend now, but he has also been a colleague on some of the most artistically amazing and satisfying projects I've ever worked on. I am incredibly lucky, and I owe him my career.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had gotten all the way down the stairs at that audition, walked out the door, and never heard from Daniel Pelzig or Chicago Opera Theater again. My applications would have gone in the mailbox but after that I have no answer. At this point in my understanding of my true niche in this world of the arts, I'd like to think that I would have found my way to opera and directing anyway, but I really don't know.

In a world where so often the "right path" is muddy, hard to see, and covered in brambles, I thank god for the path that presents itself clearly, without question.

Time is the Enemy

So I've been looking back on my meager posts lately.

They all seem a little disgruntled. A little rushed. A little mournful.

And perhaps that does sum up where I'm at, but I'm noticing that they don't particularly capture what I was hoping to capture when I started this blog a year and a half ago. I wanted to really explore what this life was, what it was to live and work in the performing arts, what it was to be in this rootless job, the intricacies of putting up a show and dealing with a life that is dictated almost entirely by what you do.

It's hard to talk about all of these things without detail, and perhaps my life would have been made infinitely easier had I started this blog as an anonymous writer. But then again, my goal was never to (as my documentarian husband says) "expose the seedy underbelly of the opera business," it was to document process in all of its joys and difficulties. Because, truly, the process is the only thing that makes art worth DOING . . . for me that is.

I've become somewhat nervous to talk about difficult projects which really defeats the purpose of this blog. You can take as much from the difficult moments as you can from the joyous ones, sometimes more. Suffice to say, "Samson et Dalila" has been a difficult process, and for the same reason that most operas will claim when they are struggling to open well:

TIME.

Opera production suffers from a quickening disease. The productions are huge and lavish but the rehearsal time is painfully small. Big budgets conflicting with meager cash flow dictate that rehearsal and technical schedules be reduced to their absolute minimum. It's a frustrating truth that looms darkly over many, many productions, and it is felt in every company I've ever worked for.

Most productions go up in three weeks or less. A month of prep/rehearsal time is luxurious. This is not so in straight or musical theater. Directors who come to opera from that tradition are shocked and dismayed to get their first production calendar. Dancers work months on a ten-minute piece, musical theater gets an extensive preview period wherein they can tweak a piece until it's been drilled to near perfection. Opera starts on a Tuesday morning , and three weeks or less later the critics are there with their light pens and tiny notebooks, ready to judge.
The trick as a director/maestro/lighting designer etc, is to organize your time so effectively that you can fit everything in. Some people would say you can't be a perfectionist in this business, which I don't really agree with. I think that perfectionism works here as long as its always coupled with a severe organization (this is where my OCD ends up working for me). Everyone working on an opera has to walk in the door knowing exactly what they want and exactly what they're doing or frustrations will ensue and multiply.

For "Samson," it was tech time that was fighting. This is a difficult technical show with collapsing temples, pyro effects and a two-minute scene change that defies belief. We're finally getting there, but I am constantly amazed at how much has to be achieved in so little time.

It's the time factor that will keep most opera from ever truly achieving the slickness that we see in Broadway shows (and I'm not sure that opera should really ever go there even if it could). Don't get me wrong, to be granted more time is a luxury that any of us in the business would grab at and clamp onto like an alligator's jaws should it ever be held out towards us, but I have to say that I thrive on the race. I love that feeling after a meet-and-greet or first production meeting, as if we've all set ourselves down on a giant toboggan and then pushed ourselves over the side of an impossibly high, icy mountain. There's no stopping it once it starts. We're going to hit every tree and rock on the way down, and we're only going to get faster and faster and faster as we go. But if we reach the bottom without capsizing, then the rush, the adrenalin, the cold in our faces is the most exhilirating feeling I know.

The moment that orchestra tune rises out of the pit on opening night, no matter how many times I've banged my head against the wall, walked out of a rehearsal searching blindly for a scotch rocks, buried my head in my hands as a tech rehearsal grinds to a halt for one reason or other, I know the curtain will rise and a show (our show) will be on the other side.

It's the reason I can't even fathom doing anything else.

The Advil Chorus

Chorus rehearsals always give me a headache.

It usually has nothing to do with the people in the chorus. Florida Grand's chorus is lovely and willing. We've been through a lot together and I feel I have a certain rapport with them which makes for an ease in work.

Chorus rehearsals are just stressful because there are so many things to accomplish in such a short amount of time. Trying to move 52 people around the space (as well as dancers and supers in most instances) and give them all motivation for their actions as well as make sure they aren't going to be crushed by scenery or slammed into a corner when they're placed in the space is a huge undertaking. It takes a massive amount of prep work, good notes, and intense concentration. I multi-task more in a chorus rehearsal than in any other rehearsal situation. I have to take copious notes about placement, answer questions about motivation, make sure that the director has given all the information they need to, and in many cases I have to stand in for missing principals. The latter is generally the most fun, but often times makes it difficult for me to get the first things done.

I really appreciate directors who deal with chorus well, who recognize that the chorus is also a character in this musical play we are making. Operas are much more interesting when all of the chorus members understand who they are in relation to the principal characters and when reactions and interactions among chorus members and principals are well thought out.

When I was doing a Figaro once, we were in rehearsal for the chorus sequence where they all come in and thank the Count for lifting the law that allows him to have first grabs at new wives. It's a lovely little ditty and they could have all just stood their with their little gifts and flowers and looked quite pretty. The director, however, walked down the line and said to the first guy, "You have fleas." He then proceeded down the line giving each a direction, "You're in love with Almaviva, you've got a toothache, you just found out you're pregnant, you and the guy two people down are having an affair, you're a little slow, you're in a terrible marriage, you think it's a great marriage...." etc. etc. The chorus walked in to sing their bit and their new-found knowledge about individual character gave the whole chorus a life that wasn't there before. They had context above and beyond what the meager chorus libretto could give them.

It's a gift to take a full chorus to the next level like that. It makes them appreciate the piece more and makes these huge headaches of rehearsals much easier and more enjoyable. Isn't it always worth all the work when you can sit back down at the table, have the music begin and get completely uplifted by what this group of people are giving back.

Today's a day off. I'm working like a dog on paperwork, but it's been terrific to sit at my own table listening to my own music. I got my hair cut today and will make dinner and enjoy some time to regroup before our fourth chorus rehearsal tomorrow, which will mark the completion of staging for "Samson."

Living With My Husband...

Days got much better this week. Rehearsals started like a moving train, slow for a few seconds then quickly jumping up to speed. We're into Act II right now and we started on Wednesday. I think this whole show is going to be a hurricane (hopefully not IN a hurricane, however. I already did that).

Our biggest issue is actually the size difference between our theater space in Broward County and our space down here at the Carnival Center for Performing Arts. The set fits beautifully into CCPA (as most sets would...in fact, many would seem swallowed up by its cavernous space), but Broward is going to be a tight, tight fit and will require some very specific choreography backstage to get all of the large groups of people out of giant traffic jams. We had our first chorus rehearsal tonight and the group didn't look as large as I thought, but when we get principals and supers into the mix, we're going to feel quite cramped quickly.

News was very very good today. I got a job that will have me working in San Diego for five straight months, which means I'll actually get to come home and spend time with my husband after each work day. I know that's normal to most people, but I've spent exactly 3 months with my husband since September, and will only have another 2 months before Christmas. 5 months in 16 is pretty sparse.

I'm not complaining. This is the career I chose. I love what I do...will love it even more when I'm directing my own shows, but when the opportunity arises to work in the same place my family lives, I'm going to jump on it. And so I did.

It'll be good to see the cats too, and to walk to the Farmer's Market on Sundays and lay on my own couch and do free laundry and get to use my orange Kitchen Aid mixer and be able to research stuff out of my library of books and do my taxes without having to have package after package sent to me...so many things get missed out of when you live out of a suitcase.

I'm sure the wanderlust will grab at me again once I've been home for a bit. I don't think it will ever go away entirely.

Looking Up From the Second or Third Rung

On days like today, I sit back a bit and wallow in the gracious luck that has allowed me the opportunity to work with some of the most brilliant directors, conductors and singers in the business. They're not all famous, though some have often-whispered names, but so many of them are working tediously and tenaciously to change the face of opera.

There is a tradition of grand opera that requires nothing more from the singer than to swirl their capes appropriately, find the center of their light, and sing. I could just as easily have begun my career (and continued it) with a series of old-school park-and-bark directors who gave me tools in the "grand tradition" and very little ability to see beyond them.

My luck came from starting my directing career learning from directors who believe that opera singers are telling a story as much as any actor in a straight play. They have character motivation that drives their action, they must know what they are saying in order to emit some sort of believablity, and the story and visual effect of the opera is as important as the beautiful sounds coming from the performer's mouths.

Actually, in the 20-some-odd productions I've done in my short career, I've dealt with very few directors from the former tradition. I've been infinitely lucky to learn from brilliant minds who recognize that the story is told in the music; composers are usually deliberate in their musical choices so that the action is implied by the very sounds the orchestra and singers are making. By using that idea and by forcing the singers to truly understand every word that comes out of their mouth, they are building a production that sounds beautiful, looks beautiful and makes you think at the same time.

I want to direct like that.

I'm working with one such director now. She had a talk with our supers (our SUPERS!) tonight about how they should work a particularly difficult entrance. The entrance was hard not only for its precision timing but for what it was trying to convey as well. Our maestro went through the basic mechanics and then our director went into a long, moving speech about what the entrance was conveying, what they should be thinking about as they come in, where they should put their passion and thoughts throughout the entire musical figure. We started, they did it, and it blew us all back in our seats.

I get asked all the time whether I would prefer someone with a perfect voice or someone who is a brilliant actor. Of course, my first answer is that I want them both. That combination doesn't happen often however, and so I always end up saying, the latter. I certainly need the voice to be capable of singing the part with ease, but it's the passion behind the words that makes someone interesting to listen to. Sit down and listen to Maria Callas. Her voice was far from perfect, but she means EVERY word she says, and you know it, and you love her for it.

There are a couple of directors I work with on a semi-regular basis from whom I don't think I could ever stop learning volumes every time I sit next to them at the front of the room. Thank god I've been lucky enough to fall under their incredible tutelage.