Last Night in a Hotel Room for Months!!!

I'm at the Wyndham O'Hare, a mile away from the airport so I can skip over there in the morning and fly away from a month of hotel rooms. It can't come soon enough. I'm very tired of sleeping in these generic rooms with little cards all over the place telling me to hang up my towels and comforters I'm not comfortable sitting on and questionable internet access, ugly (or no) art, suitcase sitting there just itching to get messed up because I don't have the time to truly unpack....

But it ends tomorrow when I move into my apartment in Coral Gables and make myself comfortable in an uncomfortable city.

I've had several days with my family. My mom, dad and little brother drove up from Missouri on my last day of rehearsals so that we could see each other while we're all actually in the Midwest. I stayed at a hotel with them and we had a wonderful couple of days laughing and telling old family stories. I also finally convinced my father to let me buy the whole family breakfast this morning which was a big thing. I took them to the Original Pancake House and had a lovely brunch. I've spent many lovely Sunday mornings in that establishment with friends and family and it was great to revisit.

They dropped me off at the Wyndham on their way to visit my Grandmother downstate. I walked up to my room all alone and felt such a supreme sense of loneliness. There's something about being by yourself in a hotel that pulls that out of you. I wandered down to the hotel bar and had a Guinness and stared at everyone talking to each other. This was one of those hotel bars with a little too much smoke, bad decor, bad service...filled with all the local go-to girls (as in "for a good time call"...). It was wholly unsatisfying so I came back up here and did a little work.

Work will be easier tomorrow when I don't feel so uprooted. Thank god for my family time and John time that I had over the last two weeks or all of this would be much harder. As it is, I just keep thinking ahead to May.

I think I can, I think I can....

Midwestern Odyssey

Just a few more days in Chicago and I head to points South. Chicago has been a strange mix of old-home week and future strategic planning.

On the one hand, I am working in an extremely comfortable environment. This is the third show I've choreographed at DePaul University and the fifth time I've worked with this director. He is, in fact, the first opera director I ever assisted and this makes him a little bit mentor, a little bit friend and a little bit security blanket. I feel easy going with him in a way that I don't necessarily with other directors (especially in other houses).

On the other hand, I'm looking ahead and trying to plan out how my career is going to go. This really isn't something that's possible to do. So many established people who's brains I've picked tell me that so much of it is timing and luck. I know this, but it doens't keep my type-a personality from analyzing and reanalyzing what I've done, where I'm going and where I want to go. There's a thing so many of us say when we look ahead at our schedules and when they seemingly end. "What's coming up for you?" someone asks. "Oh...I'm at New York City Opera in September and after that I may never work again." Unrealistic for sure but it seems that way sometimes. I have offers on the table right now, I just have to sift through them and figure out what's best for me. Having the future of my career in my own hands is a relatively scary thing....but I digress.

Back to DePaul and Chicago, this has been a strange experience because it's really the first time I've run in during a rehearsal period, set some dance moves, and run back out again. I don't get to see this show open, I don't get to deal with the dancers on stage, and I didn't get to preplan by being here from the very beginning. I kind of like the limited responsibility, but I don't feel I'm bonding with it in the same way and that makes me a little sad.

The best parts of coming back here are the people. This is a director that I would follow around for the rest of my existance. I am lucky enough to have a couple of people in my life like that and I hope I know them for a good long time. They are the people who will always teach me something no matter how long I've been in the business and the people I will always be able to jump back into working with, with very little hitch and reintroduction.

I also like the fact that I've been able to watch a few of these students move through the program since I've come back about every two years. There are principals in this piece who were fighting their way through the chorus when I was here for "Idomeneo" in 2005. I love watching progress happen. The sad is end is seeing someone who hasn't progressed, but that's evident in all aspects of my teaching. I feel a little like a teacher here since this show is being put up in academia, and I like having that experience of giving back in a world that makes me feel pretty damn selfish most of the time.

The picture is a waltz rehearsal at the Music School. John took it while he was in town. I've been really pleased with everyone's progress with the dances, so I'm not sure what I'm thinking here. One student came up to me yesterday and said, "I can see your wheels turning every time we dance. It's great." They're turning pretty damn hard in this photo.

The other, other thing about Chicago is the opportunity to see family. I am staying with my little brother right now. My little brother who just turned 26 and lives on his own and has a real job and acts all adult...I feel younger than both of my brothers sometimes. I missed his birthday while I was in touring hell so I'm taking him out tomorrow night since we do not have rehearsals. My parents are coming up over the weekend so I'll get a chance to hang out with them as well. My fourteen-year-old brother will be with them. He is the one I've missed out with. I left home before he was two and sometimes I feel like I have to play catch-up with his life. He's changing so rapidly.

The other picture is of me at my sister-in-law's house in Cleveland, holding her cat, Jerry. That's the other thing I got to do here. John came in, we drove six hours to Cleveland, and I got to meet my father-in-law for the first time. It was a completely whirlwind trip in which we got into town at 4 in the morning and stayed for less than 48 hours, but I think totally worth it. Family is extremely important and I sometimes forget when I'm caught up in the opera of the day. Travel does one of two things. It either makes me forget completely about the existance of family or it makes me wallow in the fact that I am not around them.

John's family seems far away sometimes and I want to know them, so going there and having dinner and laughing, seeing pictures of John as a kid, was healing and encompassing. I am a part of a larger chain.

I think that's all the news that's fit to print right now. Life keeps moving forward and I am constantly readjusting to fit myself in. Career is absolutely important but sometimes we just have to look at it cross-eyed and have a beer with a friend, chase our brother's cat, sit in a coffee-shop and stare at the passers-by...

In Memoriam

Abby Stickann
(2002-2007)

My mother's beautiful 50th birthday tabby, peaceful, soft, comforting, died suddenly last night after only five short years of bringing joy to my parents and brothers (and sometimes Slim Shady, who would hang on the door of the back porch to get her attention). My memories of her consist of her silky gray fur slinking through the living room after I first walked in the door, of her watchful eyes bearing down on me from high above the great room as she perched on the shelf by the ceiling, of her fast asleep under the Christmas tree, curled up by Baxter, and sitting on her scratching post waiting for Dad to pet her as he passed by.

May she rest in peace.

A Valentine to Dysfunctional Families Everywhere

I thought I'd do some work on my score while watching a movie tonight. Got an account at a local video rental store, rented "Little Miss Sunshine," sat down to work, and didn't get a thing done. I was engrossed in this family that was nothing like mine but everything like mine.

As Leo Tolstoy once said (in one way or another), "All normal families are the same, each dysfunctional family is dysfunctional in its own way." This, however, does not keep us from recognizing ourselves in the mishaps of the Hoover family as they try to get their youngest, Olive, to the Little Miss Sunshine competition in Redondo Beach.

I laughed at their ridiculous behavior, covered my mouth in shock as they "stole" their grandfather out of the hospital, felt embarrassed as Olive began her routine at the pageant, and ultimately cried like a baby at the end over missing my own family, no matter how much we get on each other's nerves.

Family is family. You smack each other around, use past embarrassments against each other, hold grudges, poke fun, talk about failures in hushed corners, yell at each other for no reason, stop talking all together for years, ruin holidays, nearly get in huge car accidents because you're throwing shit at each other while driving, steal crap out of each other's rooms, squabble over Happy Meal toys, lick all the cookies so no one else can eat them, and poke each other in the back of the neck until you all end up screaming simultaneously.

But when the chips are down, you show up. You love each other....or at the very least, you pat each other on the back and say it's going to be okay. I've hated every family member I have at least once in my life, but I wouldn't be anywhere without them and I can't imagine my life in their absence. They are my laughter, my history, my roots and my redemption. And on my worst days, I thank heavens for a good family joke.

Maybe the old fool would like a pickle...just like Jenny.

See the movie.

Feeling Better Today

This picture is of my neice, Elsa, showing me how well she spins in the living room of my parent's home in Missouri. I've been thinking a lot about my neice and nephew and how far away John and I are from them. The holidays always bring up issues of family and right now I am missing all of these people I love.

I think this bit of homesickness has been part of my problem lately. I've been in a funk, as was demonstrated by my blog entry yesterday. I'm feeling a lot better today. I took a three-mile walk and got a blended mocha at this amazing coffee shop called "Mystic Mocha" in North Park, and dropped off some more postcards and, well, ultimately revved up enough endorphins to keep me out of this funk I've been in for the last week.

I think I'm on the brink right now of a lot of things. The brink of this trip to Hungary, the brink of the holidays, the brink of me leaving for almost five months, always the brink of insanity methinks. It puts me on an edge I don't particularly care for and now I'm trying to figure out how to back up.

There are people moving into the house next door. The moving van has been out front all day and I hear noises like vacuum cleaners and electric drills and tiny shouts and sometimes laughter coming from inside the walls. John and I have discussed buying a house but it's a near impossibility for artists in the land of Southern California. What an exciting time it must be for them, but I imagine, as I would be, they are also stressing about being able to keep their finances in order and their house from falling apart. It's one of those future things that I want and don't want all at the same time.

My three cats have all been really ornery with each other lately. Lucius had a huge, bleeding scratch across his face the other morning and I've been periodically hearing screeches and growls coming from the other two as they swipe at each other an jump on the other from behind. The weather isn't nearly as hot as it was and John and I have been in good spirits with each other (despite my bit of funk) so I'm not exactly sure what's going on with them. I don't recommend three cats. There was nothing John or I could do about it as we love all three of our little quadrupeds dearly and had to force them together when we moved into the same abode, but the work load increases ten-fold when you put three of them together. My cat is particularly difficult. It's too bad he's so sweet and utterly cuddly.

I'm leaving in about half an hour to go rehearse with my six-year-old performer. She has very distinct ideas about this piece the two of us are putting together and the whole process has been a huge lesson in compromise for me. I want her to be in on the creation process but we rarely see eye-to-eye about what the piece is actually about. I thought it was going to be a conversation between me and my younger self, but it's become more of a battle of wills between a type-A of my generation and a type-A of hers. The girl's got a mind like a steel trap and a sharper tounge than I ever had at her age. I admire her spunk, and it's been a huge learning process for me. I'm interested to see what we ultimately come up with.

Life never ceases to amaze me.