A Day Late and a Synapse Short

Frustration set in this afternoon as I realized that I may have missed a deadline to register for a summer dance festival in San Diego. I emailed a bunch of half-assed information and promised to send well-written hard copies next week. I hope that works. I hate missing deadlines! I try so hard to be organized and get everything out as it becomes due and things still fall woefully through my fingers.

I have fleeting moments of ultimate confidence in my life, and the rest of the time I sit in a perpetual state of mild anxiety.

The ultimate confidence state of being has been conspicuously absent for me the last few days.

Transitions usually do this I think. Leaving a place, people, experiences, leaves me with a sense of brief longing. I wonder if I will be able to make connections as well in the next place. I get nerves thinking about the next experience - this is especially true when the next experience, like St. Louis, is brand new for me. I think most people are nervous their first day on the job. I change jobs every couple of months, so there's always that twinge of nervousness floating around in my skull and heart. By and large, however, I think I'm suited to this type of work. I'm a loner, I work well under pressure, and I get bored when I'm in one place too long.

The conflict is this want of roots that I've had as long as I can remember. I'm getting married to this man I want to be with for the rest of my life and the thoughts of a little one running around have certainly entered the forefront of my mind. All of these contradictions in my desires keep me well on my toes when it comes to career decisions.

Anyway . . . missing confidence. I went to see "Georges Bizet: An Unfinished Master" at the Wolfsonian Museum last night. It was put on by the Florida Grand Opera's Young Artist Studio and was a terrific showcase of Bizet's music performed by all of the young artists. I was particularly excited to see it because I've been working with all of these incredible talents. It's so fun to watch friends and colleagues perform work that I haven't worked on. It's a wonderful mix of absolute surprise and complete familiar. Regardless, they were terrific; the work was beautifully sung and every one of the young artists have their own distinct presence which made the entire performance dynamic.

I left, despite being aurally pleased, with a let-down feeling, knowing that this is not a community I will be able to dig into. I leave in a week. I'm watching these people grow, supporting them and knowing that I will probably work with a number of them again, but there may by a couple I never see after next weekend. There's a rootlessness in my life that comes creeping in at the oddest times.

I came back to my tiny place and took the online placement test for Jeopardy!. I was telling a friend earlier today that there is no faster way to feel like a complete idiot than by taking the Jeopardy! test. I'm terrific at Jeopardy when I'm playing in my room, answering the questions with no pressure whatsoever. However, when the countdown starts and every question I answer goes towards a score that may or may not allow me to continue in the interview process to be on a show that could win me a lot of money, I suddenly become neanderthal. The most frustrating part was finishing the test and suddenly remembering the answer to the fifteen or so questions that completely went over my head when I was actually in the moment. Aaaaaaargh!

I am deflated.

Ah well..when I'm feeling like this, things can only get better. Tomorrow is, thankfully, another, different, better day.